I looked up the Washington Potato and Onion Assoc. on the internet and found that it led me to a listing of various forms of potato and onion-based junk foods. One on the list stood out: Wow! Chips - made with Olean brand Olestra. My curiosity began to get the best of me and I couldn't help myself from going to the Wow!Chips website.

Innocently, I clicked onto it, only to be met by a flashing graphic, with enticing language offering me "the best of the Wow! website." Before I knew it I was sucked into a labrynth of Wow!Chip propoganda entertainment sites, including the Wow! Lounge. I had to check out the Wow! of the day. Did you know the American Medical Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics support the FDA approval of Olestra? I was skeptical about the message being promoted here: EAT OLESTRA TAINTED CHIPS AND LIVE A LONG, HEALTHY, LIFE, GET THE MAN/WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS, WIN THE LOTTERY, RAISE PERFECT CHILDREN WHO CLEAN THEIR ROOMS WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO, AND BECOME RULER OF THE WORLD ALL JUST BY BITING INTO ONE WOW!CHIP.

I vaguely remebered hearing something about the controversial ingredient, Olestra, in the past. Didn't I hear that it causes abdominal cramping, anal leakage, diahrrea, and the risk of sudden heart failure? How could an Association such as the Washington Potato and Onion guys be promoting bad chips like these? I had to look further...

I clicked on the title, "The Evolution of Snacking." Brand names like Lays Ruffles, Tostitos and Doritos bombarded me. My computer began to whirr and smoke. I clicked onto "Summer 98" and was entranced by the graphic of brightly-colored, friendly-looking, puffy bags of Wow!Chips. I had to get some. I ran to the local Quicky Mart, leaving my work and resposibilities behind me. My boss shouted from the doorway, "Bridget, come back!" I couldn't. The only thing that mattered to me was getting my gob on some of those Wow!Chips. Before I could even pay the Quicky clerk I had ripped into the bag and was scarfing Wow!s like there was no tomorrow. I suddenly was overcome with severe stomach
cramping, pains in my left arm and leg, and shortness of breath.

Everything went black. I woke up in a sterile gray room. At a table sat a couple of suits wearing ear pieces and mirrored sunglasses. "Where am I?" I croaked. "You, Mizz Killoran, are at the headquarters of the Washington Potato and Onion Association. We heard you had an incident and notified our field team immediately. They brought you here." Just then I looked at me arm, where there was a large plastic tube inserted into my vain. I grabbed at it and screamed for help. "No one will hear you here, Mizz Killoran, you're one of us now," said one of the men. At the end of the IV tube was a five-gallon drum with some gooey milky substance oozing from the top seam. In big letters on the side were two words: OLEAN OLESTRA. That was the start of a long journey back to my old life. For a while I was so desperate when I was out of Wow!Chips that I rummaged thru Quicky Mart dumpsters looking for some that were past their pull date.

I'd do anything for another Wow! After I ate a bag, I'd turn it inside out and lick every crumb so as not to waste a bit. I was hooked. It wasn't until my kidneys shut down from Olestraitis that I sought help. I didn't know there was help for people like me: hopeless Olestra junkies, supporting an industry bent on destroying lives for profit. I met another Olestraholic and we decided to do something about our problem together. We found Olestranonymous. It was a small group of waif-thin pallid, broken souls. But we helped each other. We listened, we laughed, we gained weight. It is only today that I have what I never thought I'd have: a simple, decent, Olestra-free life. Sure it's not always perfect, but these days I'm satisfied with progress, not perfection.

Yours in olestrecovery,
Patsy, beat-the-bag, Killoran