I Flunked Out Of The Electoral College - Captured Corporate Communique Reveals Secret Plot to Profit From InDecision 2000

It's time to churn up the machinery once again. The gods have given us a great gift this fall, a moment in history P T Barnum would have sold his last midget for. And its up to us to exploit it properly. (That word has gotten a bum rap of late: exploit. Colonel Parker understood it well. Long after Elvis is forgotten and dismissed as the intermittently gifted hick he was, Parker will be remembered as a genius businessman who squeezed blood from a stone for 20 years and built an empire that survived both him and his client.)

Anyway, I'm thinking T-shirts. I'm thinking a goofy but flattering picture of the ultimate winner of the election with the legend "I Graduated from the Electoral College with Honors!" I see a goofy but flattering picture of the loser with the legend "I Flunked Out of the Electoral College!" All done up in high quality (but not too high quality) vinyl transfer on 100% cotton beefy tees. Getting the right goofy but flattering picture is essential so both supporters and opponents of the two candidates will feel comfortable wearing either shirt, depending on whether mockery or gloating is their goal. We would also take advantage of the general confusion about the Electoral College but printing up a bunch of shirts without a picture and let people proclaim their personal feelings about the EC.

I know my track record on T shirts has not been perfect. I misread the potential sales for the "It's a Vlad Vlad Vlad Vlad World" T shirt tie-in with the release of Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. I still feel its a cinematic landmark, but should have realized Gary Oldman would never garner the kind of popularity in the States necessary to make the project successful. (I understand in some sections of London and Eastern Europe the shirts are still prized collectors items.) Our endeavors in this line are admittedly mixed, but I'm not the only one to have thought the John Stamos moment would have lasted longer and, to go many years back, lots of people besides me thought Taco would be the next Glen Campbell (I mean, "Putting on the Ritz" did reach #4.)

But this is foolproof. This is our moment. We can redeem a fraught moment in our democracy through sheer good-humored hucksterism. I mean, Florida is T-shirt land. All those kids on spring break will be buying our T-shirts for the next 20 years, long after they've forgotten who George and Al were and which one raped the Constitution. (Note to your Florida operatives: Now would be a good time to scout locations for an "Electoral College" bar or strip club in Lauderdale.)

You should note, however, that if Congress moves to abolish the electoral college, we'll want to dump our inventory toot sweet: The EC will be about as timely T shirt wise as the gold standard controversy about two weeks after it's abolished.

If you decide to go ahead with this, this would be a good project for that supplier in Shanghai I told you about. If you use them, remember to write in bold capital letter across the top of the purchase order: "EXPEDITED ORDER FOR USA. EXPEDITED PAYMENT IN EUROS. EXPEDITED DELIVERY TO SEATTLE IN SHIPPING CONTAINERS." This will guarantee prompt turnaround and a healthy cash "delivery bonus" for you when the containers arrive (which you may want to use to launder the said T-shirts before sending on to your distribution center.)

Mazel tov,

Lucky

*****

Peter Murphy Tames Audiences with Intimate "Just For Love" Tour
Candid conversation reveals lighter side of Goth-rock's Dark Prince, by Steve Stav

Vive La Grrrl-Style Revolution!
ROCKRGRL Women in Music Conference Makes Good on Its Promise of Change Through Unity, by Tizzy Asher

Long Live Teen Angst and Rock N' Roll!
Kimberly Reyes examines the imaginative power and raw sex appeal wielded by [The London] Suede

Bring The New Noise
New releases by Radiohead, Madonna, Shellac, Godspeed You Black Emperor, and The Posies are reviewed and reviled by Michael Hukin

A Really, Really Haunted House
A rock critic and four gorgeous coeds are terrorized by Satan himself in Birmingham horror house, by Michael Hukin

The Prom: Bring a Date
Shane Berry reviews In This Way They Found Me, a new disc from Seattle band, The Prom

Lost Empires, Found Memories:
Joel R. L. Phelps and the Downer Trio release a gripping new album, by Dave Liljengren

Ian Hunter is Rock and Roll to the Bone
Gail Worley interviews the storied Brit who made Cleveland rock

Notes from Underworld
"Any band that can capture their show on tape isn't a very good live band," says Norm Elrod in this CD review

Rock and Roll is Not About Jennifer Lopez and Her Ass. Or Is It?
Charles Redell reviews Iron Maiden live in Seattle

Jets to Brazil: My Self-Inflicted Ass-Whupping
Thousands watch in astonished horror as Les Thomas kicks his own ass!

Almost Lester Bangs:
Cameron Crowe, Almost Famous & The Birth of Uncool, by Claude Iosso

Comix

Humor

Features

Reviews

Videos

MP3s

Gallery