Home Is Where My Heart Lies
An Interview with Carrie Akre by Mollia Jensen

[Sunset Tavern, August 4, 2000] - I first saw Carrie with Hammerbox in 1992 at CBGB’s in NY. I was cocktail waitressing a bunch of industry types who were all about the band. In ’94, I moved to Seattle and was pleased as pie to see the chick with the fantastic voice was in a new band, Goodness. She is an impressive performer who puts her heart in to it. Her new album "Home" is a delight. I especially like to listen to it when I’m alone so I can sing along and indulge in that Lilith Fair part of myself. We chatted in the Dragon Room at the Sunset Tavern. She appropriately had on tight dragon pants.

MJ: Okay, I know that you were in choir since age five….

CA: Oh yeah.

MJ: In what other ways did you express yourself in childhood and adolescence?

CA: Shopping (laughs). That’s not a lie. I think dressing up, new wave, you know, punk rock haircuts, things like that. I think what you wear is also a form of art. You know what I mean? If you want to dress up it’s just another way of being creative. So, I think I did a lot of that, you know, like anybody you get into a trend. It wasn’t like it was a hotbed of musical goings-ons, so the idea of joining a band never ever crossed my mind. I mean, it was just, there was nothing that led you to think, "hey, do this", and I don’t know why, maybe that was just me. There were cover bands and things like that but anything like that seemed really far away, like that’s something you watch on TV, not something that you see, or do at all. So yeah, clothing!

MJ: What are some of the most important moments in your life from childhood to present? The big ones, you know?

CA: The big ones? I would say seventh grade when…the major transition from hanging out with sort of the conservative group or the popular group ended. Everybody hated me. I started to think that the real good people were the people who were outcasts, you know, or were interesting or… actually in my mind I thought they were more real. That didn’t prove to be correct later on in life but at the time I think it put me in the direction of looking for interesting people, creative people, you know, whether they’re mature or not. I’m curious, I’m a curious person about weird things, good and bad. I went to France for a year as a nanny. Doing that and spending a year learning a language (which was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done), pushed me to believe that I should try everything so I don’t look back when I’m sixty five or however old I’m going to get when I decide to whither away. There have been some amazing shows that just kind of sent me…or the ones that made me like "oh yeah, that’s me", you know, "that’s what I can relate to, that’s the real me." It’s usually a show where you’re bonding with people, be it acoustic… or like Goodness went to Russia. Which was pretty amazing. Just watching music cross barriers. It makes me realize all the petty things you worry about aren’t worth anything. So they should be forgotten. Traveling Europe does that for me. Travel anywhere does that for me. Takes you out of your element. Now you’ve got me all curious. What are other pinnacle things? I think last year was a pinnacle moment for me. You know everybody says every five years you go through a watershed of everything falling apart and you’re reexamining your whole life. Eleven years ago, starting bands was one. And now, having enough courage to say "well, it’s either sink or swim, so are ready to choose? Choose." I’ve had enough good friends who were like "You can’t quit", or "You can survive a bad situation and you need to pull your ass up, (laughs) get it together and do what you’ve always wanted to do." And again, I think I’d forgotten how much I wanted to do. You get in a situation where you’re like, "Well, I’ve done the risky thing and I’ll just settle in here." This year I’ve reminded myself that there was a huge agenda I didn’t even address.

MJ: What were you like in high school?

CA: I was really into new wave. I think because of the small town I grew up in I was inundated with ACDC, Def Leppard, Scorpions, you know, Judas Priest. Usually according to the boyfriend. And I like a lot of that, Scorpions I really like, a lot of melodic stuff. But New Wave, I was really into Siouxie and the Banshees and Bauhaus. Even your generic pop bands. I’ve been pretty much a pop person in general. I’ve definitely been one to listen to Hall and Oates all the way to Bauhaus. There are really good melody lines and that’s what I’m interested in or have been attracted to. Like The Cure, Blondie, Kinks. But I like that whole new wave thing of plastic weird wear and colored hair and The flock of Seagulls haircut, Souxie and the Banshees, very gothic. I just thought that was really cool. I’m sure there are some really bad high school pictures of that.

MJ: Could be a good album cover. That was kind of a new wave looking kid on the first Goodness album cover.

CA: Oh yeah, that’s funny, when I went to UW I was a photo major and it’s a friend of mine’s nephew. A couple of people have asked if it’s me and I wish it were. That kid looks so cool and he’s got to be like eighteen now. But I remember when I asked her if I could use the picture he was like, fourteen, no, twelve, and I asked her if it was okay because around twelve, thirteen, fourteen, it’s not so cool that you’re a little kid in drag. But she was like, "Oh no, he’ll love it". That kid looked great.

MJ: Were you ever in Musical Theater or any plays?

CA: I was in a play once, in eighth grade. I never had the spark for it. I think it would be interesting now. I’ve spent a lot of time in my head, daydreaming and when someone says "Well you ought to do it" I go "Oh, oh okay". No, I never did theater. It never shook me. I never had this need to be in front of people, or the desire to do theater. People say, "Oh, I have this love of theater". Well I liked it.

MJ: Your voice would be great in musicals.

CA: Well, I would like to do it now, I’d like to do independent movies or off off, whatever, independent theater, fringe theater. I think it would be really fun and active, you know? Physical. I really like that.

MJ: Have you ever heard of Hedwig and the Angry Inch?

CA: I’ve heard of that, yeah.

MJ: It’s an Off Broadway Rock Opera. They’re making a movie out of it, definitely see it. It’s a transsexual role but if they were ever going to do it in Seattle I think you’d be the woman for the job.

CA: Oh, Is it like blonde, tall…I saw the poster.

MJ: I’ve fantasized about producing it in Seattle and when I was preparing for this interview it hit me that you’d be perfect.

CA: That would be fun. If you ever do, let me know.

MJ: Oh I will.

CA: I’d love that. Well a friend of mine who plays in King Missile is friends with the guy in Magnetic Fields in New York and one of the guys in that band was doing his own record and he asked me to come sing one and it is absolutely theater. I was just demanding, "you have to do some off off Broadway thing that’s just campy. This song he had me sing was theater but a little Pat Benatar too and a little bit of gothic Siouxie Sioux. It’s all about sprockets. It was about the selling of your body and it was really fun to do. Camp, camp I think is really fun to do because it’s so obviously not you. But at least for somebody like me, I would feel comfortable giving myself permission to do it cuz it’s absurd. I think that’s really fun. People want you do be a character, you know what I mean? I kind of like the harsh character because I never allow myself to do that in real life. I love that sort of like Fuck You.

MJ: Have you ever considered being in a Pat Benetar tribute band?

CA: Hell no. No, I love her. She’s the first show I ever saw in my life. I thought she was great. But you know what? It is so automatic that I’m like that’s too fucking easy I don’t ever want to do it. No. Nothing against her, she has an awesome voice and I loved her. But people would be like "Yeah!" Then they’d be like "Of course". And I hate that.

MJ: Maybe one night.

CA: Maybe one night. Yeah I could do one night. Get me her little outfit with the red cinchy thing she had. I remember that. She was a wee woman too.

MJ: Do you enjoy playing all ages shows?

CA: I do. The thing that’s hard about kids is that they’re really bored or unreadable. They’re petrified. Or they seem to be. They’re such a chaotic jumble of hormones it’s uncomfortable for you to play in front of them because you can’t read ‘em. Obviously, for anybody it’s so much easier to be able to read somebody. You know where you’re at. The thing I love about it is I know that kids like stuff and they won’t show it to you and you’re getting to ‘em. It sounds cheesy but I feel like if I’m there for kids or if they feel like they have somebody to talk to that’s a big, big, big deal to me. A friend of mine teaches Spanish. I’ve gone to her class several years in a row just to like hang out and play some songs. I think about it and I never had anybody who was like "do it, why not?" Like pushin’ it, you know? Fuck your friends who don’t like that you dress up in drag. You know? Fuck it. Or, not so much that but more like if you’re having a problem, problem solve. Yeah, you’re odd for the general populous but be smart about it. You know? "Don’t be afraid." And "you’re okay, you’re not weird." Stuff like that. Makes me feel good. I like it a lot.

MJ: And the Electricity (Schoolhouse Rock) thing was all about kids.

CA: Yeah. Things like that were incredibly clever and poignant. There aren’t so many clever things going on in the cartoon world right now. Somebody must have been smoking pot when they did it. We were going to do Figure Eight. I love Figure Eight. That song is long and complicated. There is like, twelve parts to that song. (Sings part of the song in a circus/David Lynch manner) Scary.

MJ: I think it was Pain in the Grass in…I guess it was ’95, I had this moment where I was watching you guys play (Goodness) and there was this girl, maybe eleven and she was kind of in the front and she looked just like you. I wondered if you had a little sister. She was rocking out and just jumping up and down. It was such a beautiful moment because one, she looked like you and two, she knew every word.

CA: That’s awesome.

MJ: Goodness is rock, you know? It’s not Britney Spears.

(Kim Virant comes over to say hi and vents a bit about the heat and we agree with her. Carrie mentions how Kim saved her the other day out of a grumpy mood)

CA: I think that life too often goes way too fast. It’s such an effort to learn how to slow down and breathe it in and taste it. It sounds really corny but to really be in it and feel it as it’s going by. It’s such a big deal to me and stuff like that is huge. We were talking about high school; it never even crossed my mind that I was going to join a band, which I used to beat myself up about. I like to make sure I remember that …I never thought that somebody would be reiterating lyrics back to me that they remembered at all. Or that hit them or struck them or helped them and to me, that’s pretty much the bomb. You don’t need to do anything else. That’s success. It’s already been done. Anything else, you just need to spread it around for a little longer. Try and do your best and have a good time and cultivate those experiences for the rest of your life as opposed to stardom.

MJ: How did you and Pat Dinizio meet and decide to collaborate?

CA: Goodness opened up for the Smithereens when they did a West Coast tour because our management knew somebody they knew somehow. We played that. Then Goodness went on tour again and Pat came out to see one of our shows in New York. He asked me if I would like to collaborate. Pat’s always working on something. He’s running for the Senate, hello, for Jersey State.

MJ: Are you kidding?

CA: No, I’m not kidding, through the reform party. Oh, absolutely. He’s always working, the guy needs a vacation he just, he will never do it. He’s got a rash. He’s overworked. But he asked me if I wanted to do a project. He had total vision. He wanted to call it the VIP’s. It was off of this movie with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. He had images in his mind for the photo, and we were just going to collaborate, and we did. We did four songs. Then he went on this four month long acoustic tour, which he’s just gotten off of. Now he’s working on his campaign. We did an EP and I’d actually like to put it out through Good Ink, which is my label.

MJ: I find "Home" to be a very personal and spiritual album.

CA: Thank you.

MJ: Is it hard for you to be that open or does it come naturally in the song writing process?

CA: I think being open is natural. I am more natural to a fault, talking about my personal stuff than I probably should be. I’ve been told. My sister tells me to shut up. She’s like "you can’t say that", and I’m like, "why not?" I just did. It’s too late now. I’m really thankful that I get to do music in order to get that stuff out because it’s helpful, it feels natural for me to do it. I get to do and say things I wouldn’t do probably to someone’s face and probably to the point of abuse I like to do that. I have never taken it to where I’d really like to do it. There’s this whole fuck you shit that’s about rock guitar and just me, you know what I mean? Where you just never allow yourself to do it. Everybody has their way of expressing themselves, be it writing or running or whatever they do to get stuff out and that happens to be mine. Shitty things happen. I like to talk about it. And frankly, I don’t think anybody can take anything away from me by knowing something very personal about me. I’m the first one to admit to mistakes I’ve made, bad ones. Things that were a black mark on my character, frankly. A few that I haven’t repaired, you know? I’m also interested in the study of, what do people do when they fuck up? I think things are pretty cyclical. I’ve done actions that later were done to me.

(Sound check starts so we turn off the recording device and laugh about creamed corn and the band Korn until things calm down a bit.)

MJ: What does the word home mean to you?

CA: Inside of me. "Home is where my heart lies." Everywhere you go, there you are. Home is a state of mind. Restlessness and finding a home within ones’ self is probably the lesson of my lifetime. There are lots of songs, actually I realize I have about five songs that have home in them that aren’t on the record at all. There’s definitely a theme that goes through certain songs of mine. And this year, which is really kind of freaky but good… I tend to think that things are fairly mystical or prophetic. Songs I’ve been writing are very prophetic. It’s annoying. One in particular, which isn’t on the record, its called "Cast a Spell" was frighteningly prophetic. I remember writing it. It seems funky, to have the melody and all the lyrics flow out and all of a sudden you’re living it. I love it, but it’s creepy. The first line is "Lately I can see that your love is waning for me." Basically that I think I’m going to be losing you and literally within a month I had a break up. It was creepy. I wasn’t thinking anything about it. I have practice tapes with this person and to listen back a couple of months later was really disturbing. At the same time I appreciate it. My bigger lesson about home. I do think that there is a higher power that has a path for you. Thank God, per se. Because I don’t have all the answers and frankly, I think it’s too frightening to take it all on. Not that I’m a wimp but I think the world is way too complicated and way too interesting to not have things like that going on. That there is somebody with a plan. My favorite quote these days is "Every time you make a plan, God laughs at you." Every time you go, "I’ve got a plan, this is what I’m going to do," God goes, "whatever dude, because I have a plan and try, try as you might…" You’re supposed to do the true thing and the true thing is usually about learning and you know better. You usually always know better.

MJ: So tell me about the experience of CO-founding this record label.

CA: Founding it was pretty quick. Garth and I had talked about it for about a year. We were really frustrated with the majors. We were in the middle of an experience with a major that was very, very disheartening. Tons of people have been through it, we weren’t alone. It was cool to start it. We were so used to moving fast or working hard. That’s our big thing that we still struggle with, because there’s so much work at hand and it’s exciting to remind ourselves to sit back and enjoy every little nugget that you get. And know that this is for the rest of your life. So when hard work starts to kick in, shut up, stop whining and say " this is your life." So it was really good but it’s a continual lesson to go, "you have it, you’re doing it." The other day, we had gone to Los Angeles to meet with a friend. Of course all our friends there talk really big, "do this, do that. " And I get on that bandwagon and say "yeah" and other CO-workers of mine aren’t like me. You find you have to acknowledge other people’s patterns and speeds. It was just a bunch of stress out of nowhere over this pushing and I finally realized, "you know what? We have succeeded already." We have our business license, we’re viable, we’re in the black, we’re fine, and I’ve succeeded. I’m done. Anything from here on out is cherry on the sundae. To do that was really good. Garth and I are excited about having it. We have to remind ourselves. We have it. We’ve done our job. We have partners now too. Deanna Knudsen and Terry Granillo, and an amazing intern/soon to be partner probably, Rachel.

MJ: It’s well done. I love the site.

CA: Thank you. Well, that would be Deanna. Deanna works for Saltmine. She puts in way too many hours. She works her butt off.

MJ: Has anyone in the music business ever asked you to be something you’re not?

CA: You know, I’ve never gotten that far, no. Every time I’ve had people say, "ditch your band we want you." I understood it. I have a pretty straightforward voice that people would want to put somewhere. I would get excited about it. For me the bottom line is I didn’t know what my vision was and I figured if I didn’t know what my vision was I’d be living out someone else’s. I’ve never been told what that would be. I’m pretty sure it’s pretty Sheryl Crowish. No Problem, I do admire her. I think she does a really good job but I wanted to know what my thing was, though.

MJ: Is it true that you’re going to play Air Supply covers? Or is that a joke?

CA: Where did everybody hear that?

MJ: It’s on some online concert calendar. It’s your next Gordon Biersch show. You’re supposed to do all Air Supply.

CA: I’ll learn a song or two. (Breaks into "Lost in Love")

MJ: You should. God help you if you’re in front of a bunch of Air Supply fans.

(Someone from the bar has heard the singing and requests "I’m All Out of Love" then someone else breaks into Led Zeppelin’s "All out of Love" Suddenly we’re in some free association theater game.)

MJ: Okay, this is as personal as I’ll get. Do you think about having children?

CA: Absolutely. Oh, I’m going to have kids. Fuck yeah. Backpacking. In my backpack, we are going around. For sure. I am having kids. Yes I am and they will be tortured. I had a reading one time. It brought me to tears. The whole reading was about "you need to focus on music, you need to do music, you need to do music, you need to do music." My mom and my sister and my sister in law were all talking about their kids and I said "what about my kids?" She said, "your kids are telling you to wait and do music." You know what? My little fuckers will say that to me, I’m sure. Smart asses. (In the psychics’ voice) "You’re kids are saying wait, they’re coming. You need to do music."

MJ: My last question is: When and how did the theme of relying on yourself and listening to yourself come to you? You know, it comes up so much in quotes that you say and your songs on the new album. It’s "Nope, I’m not going to listen to anyone else. It’s all what I decide goddammit."

CA: I think it’s an ongoing process with most people. It’s an ongoing process with me. I say it for myself. I haven’t always, in the past. I’m older. I finally get it. You know better. You always know better. Whether or not you follow what you should do. It’s teaching your self how to be aware and awake for your self. I always knew that was the right thing to do. It’s not until recently that I’m learning how. Everything I decide needs to come from "what do I think?" Which really gives me "what isn’t." ( As the guitars rock on, sound check is back) The guitars are going. We’re stopping.

MJ: Thank you Carrie Akre. Remember folks, "It is yourself you must rely on. It is yourself you must listen to."