The Ten Commandments of Upstart Rock
Read and Heed!

(Click Here for the Ten Condiments of Upstart Rock)

1. Thou shalt not have hair more compelling than your songs. Flock of Seagulls, Poison, Milli Vanilli: Need we say more?

2. Thou shalt not claim to all who ask that your music defies categorization. Truly is it written that no music defies categorization. Get over thyself.

3. Thou shalt not have a drummer as the most interesting member of the band. A beatkeeper who vies for dominance or attention within the group is fine (Ringo Starr, Keith Moon, Clem Burke, even Don Henley), but a group whose skin banger is the most interesting aspect of the band (Dave Clark Five, Missing Persons) is doomed to irrelevance and silliness.

4. Thou shalt have a sense of humor. If you have something serious to say, start a web page. Rock and roll is for dancing and proto-foreplay in clubs and at parties. Remember your place in the universe.

5. Thou shalt not kill the memory of time-honored classics. Covers of well-known songs must always be used sparingly. If someone really wants to hear Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart," they can find it on at least 16 reissued CDs. Unless your version is a complete reinterpretation, and an immediately engaging one at that, it's best to skip covers of any songs still in regular radio rotation.

6. Thou shalt not flaunt the big dog or otherwise tape sausage to your leg. I'll never forget the Doobie Brothers concert where the lead guitarist had a big boner down his pantleg. It was not cool, not even in the late 70's.

7. Honor thy manager and thy publicist. We are being paid to include this one. This Commandment Special is brought to you by UMMA-GUMMA (The United Music Managers of America and the Grand Union of Music Media Associates: "The two great tastes that taste great together.") who remind you that Friday's show features $1 Jaegermeister shots and you can enter to win a pair of "Mallwalkers," the new shade of Doc Martens brand faux combat boots which will fit only you...

8. Thou shalt not spam. One cleverly written message of 2-3 paragraphs to your electronic list per month is enough to let everyone know your still around and when you'll be playing. Try to make your mailing sound like a friendly letter. Weekly emails are pushing it, and emails more frequent than weekly get deleted before they're read.

9. Thou shalt not decide late in the game you need a chick, then pick out the prettiest groupy you can find, teach her to smoke, play the tambourine, and teach her to play three chords on a keyboard, then prop her up on stage, with some go-go boots and cute little hair coloring and set her up as eye candy.

10. Thou shalt know when to quit. As the t-shirt says, "Your hair's too long and so is your set."

10a. Thou shalt not use the domicile of John X. Ambrosavage as your rehearsal space. This complicates things unduly and has been death to many a once promising band.

10b. Thou shalt not begin playing more than 1/2 hour after the appointed time. What happens? Why has no band ever been on time? Is it the drugs, the alcohol, or the primadonna syndrome?

10c. Thou shalt not pick thine nose while on stage. A.k.a. cannonball, dinglenose.

10d. Thou shalt not have an overworked appearence. No matching "Clearance Sale" suits, or even just some dumb outfit where the audience knows the dude was looking in the mirror earlier going: "yeah, I'm totally rockin now".

As a Bonus, here's one Beattitude For Upstart Rockers:

1. Blessed are the poor in equipment. Expensive equipment shouldn't even leave the rehearsal room until you've had a year of gigging under your belt.The best musicians are those accustomed to overcoming adversity in a livesetting. To properly season yourself for an eventual indie tour, you needto adapt your musical strategy without hesitation in the first five or ten seconds after you realize that you're on stage in front of a bouncing audience and your equipment has just failed. Blessed are the poor in equipment for they can adapt to anything.

Click Here for the Ten Condiments of Upstart Rock

--Compiled from true life experiences by Tom Fredrickson, John Moe, Bushman, J. Kim, John X. Ambrosavage, Paul Johnson and Grace Dangerpugg

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