Henry Rollins For President

By the time the United States gets finished with the process of selecting the most inoffensive candidates possible, the party primary and nomination process produces the political equivalent of a boiled dinner: all mush no flavor. The Boston Globe put it best by calling it a process to see which boring white guy will lead us. No offense to Bill Bradley, who would be the least of all evils, but the president should in theory be someone who inspires us, not anesthetizes us.

However, in this next election, cyberculture has the chance to change that. Pandemonium proudly presents its Internet party nomination – Henry Rollins.

Participate in the Internet party primary: Vote for Henry Rollins for President here. Time is limited, so you must act fast.

Pandemonium proudly presents the Top 40 reasons why Henry Rollins should be president:

1. In his spoken word appearances and through his writing, Rollins encourages people to learn, explore, read and think. In an age where people accept what Dr. Laura says as the absolute truth, the United States needs a leader who will encourage people to use their own brains.

2. He would never be caught dead with a woman like Monica Lewinsky.

3. It would be our first president with a bar code tattooed on his neck.

4. If the tattoos offend other world leaders, he can always wear a suit.

5. Having traveled the world, getting to know the cab drivers in every country he visits, he could connect with the people of other nations. He could sidestep the whole meeting with the leaders and would promote peace by actually knowing what makes the people of other nations tick. He has cultural insight you can’t get from a brief prepared by your underlings.

6. Having never been married, opposing candidates could not nail him on the infidelity issue.

7. The State of the Union addresses would become far more interesting. People would watch, and the country could sell advertising spots and put the money towards social security.

8. Six words: MOSH PITS AT THE INAUGURAL BALL.

9. Instead of a ridiculous "war on drugs" he would declare war on things far more reaching: racism, domestic violence, rape. Statistics show that one out of six women is a rape victim. Statistics do not show that one out of six women abuses cocaine.

10. He’s not afraid to be himself, warts, scars and all.

11. He’s a white male, that’s half the battle right there.

12. He would win a grudge match against any of the other candidates.

13. High schools would have mandatory weight training programs. The country would at least look better.

14. With his short stature, he could easily fit into the seats of Air Force One.

15. If a former wrestler can be a governor, why can’t a former punk be president?

16. He’s already admitted, "I’m a liar." Lying is a prerequisite for politics.

17. He’s incredibly humble, telling his audiences that he is uneducated, when in fact he’s incredibly well-read. This humility is a nice change from the arrogance we’ve come to expect from our politicians.

18. He’s grounded, down to earth and a real person. Al Gore is an alien sent to suck the brains from our media-numbed heads.

19. An avowed minimalist, he could teach us all we don’t need a Lexus for every season.

20. After reading his writings such as "Now Watch Him Die," other countries would cower in fear of the U.S.

21. He’s definitely an outsider and right now the insiders are on the out.

22. He looks better in a Superman costume John McCain does.

23. Multinational corporations could not intimidate him. He barely uses consumer products, so Microsoft would not impress him.

24. He uses a Macintosh. Enough said.

25. His choice of black t-shirts and shorts would create an interesting fashion trend.

26. Having watched his best friend killed in front of him, he recognizes the value of every human life. Not all politicians can say that, or at least with a straight face.

27. He’s clean cut, sort of.

28. People thought Bill Clinton was cool because he played the saxophone on late night television. But how cool is playing Lollapalooza and Woodstock 2? Well, maybe Woodstock is not such a cool coup.

29. Two words: no Tipper

30. He would appoint James Brown and Aretha Franklin to head up the President’s Commission on Soul.

31. He would have the power to rid the country of Kid Rock by executive order.

32. He would appoint the members of the Vapors ambassadors to Japan, but then of course say he was just kidding.

33. He would find a place in his cabinet for Mojo Nixon.

34. All budgetary matters would be referred to best friend Ian MacKaye. Anyone who insists on keeping ticket prices at $5 would insist that things like food and housing be affordable.

35. If you look for the executive seal on a record, you could buy it with the confidence that it probably doesn’t suck.

36.A chin up bar would be installed in the Oval Office.

37. In his spoken word performances, he has preached being cool to your neighbors. He says we’re all human so we should treat everyone with human decency.

38. "Keep your body lean and your blood clean" would replace "Just say no."

39. Exene Cervenka and Nick Cave. No reason, but saying those names is jolly good fun.

40. Instead of "I like Ike," the campaign buttons would read, "A friend of Fugazi is a friend of mine."

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