Random
Excerpts From My Ass Kicking Life
You know the
actor who recently retired from the role of
Fred in the Dunkin' Donuts commercials? I was
a bridesmaid in his daughter's wedding.
My
brother-in-law works in television. When I
was 18, he was filming a TV special at
Disneyland and I drove there to hang out with
my sister. While I was sitting alone in a
roped-off area, waiting for her, Michael
Jackson sat next to me. He asked to borrow my
pen, and I lent it to him.
Anyone who's
seen the movie, Eraserhead, will
remember the scene where the Girl in the
Radiator sings a song called
"Heaven" while the lead character,
Henry, watches her. "Heaven" was
actually sung by an artist friend of mine
named Peter Ivers, who did an underground TV
show called New Wave Video. When Peter and I
were on a Radio Network retreat high in the
mountains, and I was suffering from horrible
altitude sickness, he played piano and sang
"Heaven" to me while I writhed in
agony on a couch. Peter was murdered a couple
of months later. As far as I know, the crime
remains unsolved.
My three major
TV appearances are: The Love Connection,
an episode of L.A. Law, and standing
next to Gloria Estefan on a video dance show.
I saw the Who
in concert when Keith Moon was still alive.
How many people can say that?
Probably a
lot.
Gail's
10 Favorite Albums
The best thing
about having my own column is I can write
whatever I want. These are ten albums I feel
the need to testify about right now.
Julian Cope,
World Shut Your Mouth: Cope's post-Teardrop
Explodes efforts have been largely uneven,
since he nearly became a total fruitcake from
eating so much acid. Still, Cope's brand of
psychedelic introspection has filled the gap
between The Mighty Wah and Echo & The
Bunnymen for over 15 years now. World Shut
Your Mouth is his most consistent work.
Jason Falkner,
Jason Falkner Presents Author Unknown: Why
Jason Falkner isn't the most famous pop
singer in the world just flat out confuses
me. Falkner should have his own TV show, and
then I think he and I should get married.
Nine Inch
Nails, Pretty Hate Machine: Trent Reznor was
probably the biggest rock star crush I ever
had. Embarrassing as that is, the record that
launched a thousand imitations is still the
best industrial dance record ever made.
The Damned,
Machine Gun Etiquette: What can I say but,
punk rock! "I Just Can't Be Happy
Today" is a timeless classic and
"Smash it Up" is just the best song
written about smashing things.
Thin Lizard
Dawn (Self Titled): Besides being the cutest
band in the universe, Thin Lizard Dawn are
the most underrated, under-appreciated
musical geniuses to come out of New York's
East Village. Their song, "Sexual
Dynamo," with the lyrics "Sexual
Dynamo/You give good blow/Go down nice and
slow/Swallow" should have won a Grammy.
Fleming &
John, Delusions of Grandeur: A husband and
wife team sing ridiculously romantic love
songs to each other. I could just die right
now.
The Beatles,
HELP! (original Soundtrack version only): I
met a young rock critic at SXSW who told me
that, as a child, he "Avoided The
Beatles like the plague." Not only does
he not deserve to be a rock critic, he
doesn't even deserve to be allowed to live.
If I ever run into him in a dark alley, it
will be my pleasure to kick his
Beatles-hating ass.
Queen, Queen I
- Besides British punk rock, the first four
Queen records got me through adolescence. I
must also stress the importance of the
character-building role model provided by
their flamboyant lead singer, Freddie
Mercury. Queen I contains the rock anthem,
"Keep Yourself Alive" as well as
cool songs about fairies and shit like that.
Pearl Jam,
Ten: Okay, don't start with me. Ten is way
played out, but you gotta have this just for
"Black." When Eddie sings the words
"And now my bitter hands/cradle broken
glass/of what was everything," well, who
can't relate to that?
Toad The Wet
Sprocket, Dulcinea: Due to a severe emotional
trauma suffered in 1995, I was suicidal for
most of that year. Dulcinea kept me from
blowing my brains out. From "Something's
Always Wrong," about two people unable
to break out of a dysfunctional relationship,
to "Begin," the best song ever
written about reincarnation, this record took
me from the darkest pit of Hell back into the
light of day. I play this record whenever I
need a serious reality check.
Gail's
Dating Tips
This month I
want to talk about the Older Woman/Younger
Man scenario. My brain screams "Danger
Will Robinson" when I catch myself
scoping out a hot babe in his 20's, but I
can't help it; I dig young guys in a major
way. I guess I find myself attracted over and
over to men who are basically still in the
larval stage because I'm such a youngster at
heart myself. I look a good 10 years younger
than my real age, and I don't even know
anyone (not in the music business) over 30
who still listens to rock music, let alone
lives and breathes for it. Since I have young
interests, most guys over 30 don't really do
it for me.
Now, a lot can
be said to argue that a difference in age is
not a factor in how successful a relationship
will be and, to an extent, I can go along
with that. But if you're talking about, say,
a guy in his 20's and a woman in her 30's,
what you've got is a developmental difference
that will rear it's ugly head as soon as you
take a break from the mind-numbing amount of
sex you're having.
A young guy
knows the invaluable experience gained from a
relationship with an older women (face it
gals: you're a trophy in this one) and they
fall in love real fast. But once he realizes
you make twice his salary and that you want,
and expect, a real partner and not just a
love slave (if that's in fact what you do
want and, don't lie to me, you do) he will
chew off his own foot to escape from what he
perceives as a "trap."
You can't put
all the blame on him: he just wasn't ready
for you. But there will be tears and sadness
and I'd rather spare you the pain by giving
you this warning: If you must seek meaningful
relationships with younger guys, take the
time to make sure he can handle the full
voltage of your reality before the
"L" word gets thrown around. And if
you're one of those nearly extinct breed of
woman who can just fuck a guy and not get
emotionally attached, by all means, go for it
because they sure do look good naked.
