POULTRY IN MOTION #28
by John Moe

Everyone Should Know About My New Band

Okay! Okay! I’ve had enough of you people pestering me! Enough with the e-mails, the faxes, and the phone calls! I’ve had it with the carrier pigeons, the skywriting, and the smoke signals! Please stop sending couriers, singing telegrams, and veteran TV character actor Abe Vigoda over to my house. I will now give you savage dogs everything you have been demanding: I have a new band! Let the parades begin! Call the mayor and have him give me Cheeseburgers the size and shape of his own head (I refer to Mayor McCheese, bien sur).

Y’see, in the 18 months since the much-delayed break up of my former band Free Range Chickens, I have been silently, stealthily plotting my return. Them guys were cramping my style with their instruments going twangy twangy and drummy drummy! I had to branch out, explore my own groovy nature, and see what I could do on my own. Like Kevin DuBrow leaving Quiet Riot, I had to move on to solo success greater than anything I had done before. Only after several months of futility did I realize that my musical ineptitude, coupled with my infantile nature and tendency to threaten club bookers with knives (in order to enhance my image during my unfortunate "gangsta" phase) would throw obstacles on my path to stardom.

I began to realize that maybe I was not meant to be a musician myself. Perhaps I had a higher calling. Perhaps I was meant to be a MANAGER! But of whom? And what? And where? While crushed against the stage during an unruly Backstreet Boys show for which I had camped out for months, the answer came to me: a boy band! But not just any boy band! The bestest, most hunkiest, most top-notch dreamy hubba hubba kickin’-Scott-Baio’s-butt boy band that ever boyed a band! Boy what a band!

In order to create the most innovative and revolutionary boy band in history, I decided to go with a revolutionary strategy: find what works for existing boy bands and rip it off.

First: a name. Taking a cue from New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys, I decided to work in the idea of these being children. Children like children, right? And children buy records. So the name had to pertain in some way to children. But that’s not enough. New Edition and the aforementioned NKOTB worked in the fact that they were new and fresh. Then I got a little fond of the daring punctuation and spelling of ‘NSync. I retreated to my in-home studio (which my wife persists in calling "your little computer room") and just eight short days later I had the name. The name that would combine the concepts of children, freshness, and bad English. The name soon to be scrolled on a million notebooks and splashed across the pulp print of Tiger Beat magazines. The name? Unprecedent’d Funky Toddl’rz.

That chill you just got hearing that? That was the chill I had when I first thought of the name. Only I had it more because I thought it up. So don’t go thinking you’re so great, fatty.

Next stop for the Unprecedent’d Funky Toddl’rz? Auditions! I set aside seven days of extensive tryouts where I could evaluate singing ability, dancing ability, charisma, available cash, wardrobe, willingness to waive all liability, willingness to give me a ride to Taco Bell, and that special quality I like to call P’Jazz! (It’s like pizazz but also similar to Miles Davis. It’s an industry thing, don’t try to understand me!) Unfortunately, given the record low unemployment in boy bands, it took a good six and a half days to find people to come to my auditions. And of course after half a day, it’s lunchtime so I ultimately had only an hour and a half to determine who would be the new starz of Unprecedent’d Funky Toddl’rz.

And I found them.

Oh, they may not be "dreamboats", perhaps they don’t have "star quality" or "good looks" or " a clean criminal record". Maybe they don’t "bathe", maybe they are haunted by "personal demons" causing them to "punch wildly without provocation" anyone who happens to be "standing " nearby. But dammit, these are my boys. And they do have "P’Jazz". Would you like to meet them? Don’t worry, they can’t crawl through your computer. Yet.

Donny ("the cute one") – Donny loves puppies, girls who are honest about their feelings, and doing what his manager tells him to do. He lists turn-ons as long walks in the park, talking on the phone, and small household appliances. In his spare time, he likes to try to get more medication. He only looks like he’s 55. He’s really a senior in high school. Honestly.

D.J. ("the smart one") – D.J. is the expert whenever the krew of Unprecedent’d Funky Toddl’rz wants to have some fun. He seems to know all the hottest spots in the city. Already he’s helped Donny get his medication several times. But I don’t think it’s the right medication since it makes Donny more hostile.

Bobby ("the screaming one") – It’s always an adventure with Bobby. He feels the beat so deep in his heart, he just has to scream. All day, every day. Bobby never stops screaming. His blood curdling shrieks are nerve-shattering but he only screams because he loves the young ladies so much and not because he imagines spiders crawling all over him all the time. So don’t be afraid.

Phil ("the quiet one") – So shy, he never talks to girls. So timid, he never talks at all. So bashful, he never even sings. So unassuming, many people think Phil is merely a pile of boxes with a baseball cap on top of them and a smiley face drawn on in magic marker. But they’re wrong, got it?! Okay?! Wrong!

So there they are, America! Unprecedent’d Funky Toddl’rz! Just remember, you heard about them here first. When we come to your local civic coliseum or municipal sports facility, spend the $100 and catch us! Or, if we happen to knock on your door late at night some time, let us in and feed us sandwiches. Then if you could help me get the group back in the van, I would really appreciate it. Also, can we borrow your van?

The Poultry In Motion Archives

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