  POULTRY IN MOTION
by John Moe
"The
columns of Mr,John Moe are really abundant, and
it is great." – Tanaka Shintaro
1999
NBA MOCK DRAFT
You may think
it’s all fun and games being one of the most
popular columnists the world over. Well, I’m
here to tell you you’re right. Whee
it’s fun! Ha ha! Spin me again, Daddy!
But it’s
also a huge responsibility. I have a public to
answer to. A public still stinging about not only
my NBA draft day snub of last year but my nearly
inevitable snub on the upcoming draft day as well
(don’t get on David Stern’s bad side,
believe me). But when I received e-mail from
alert reader Tanaka Shintaro, I knew I had to get
off my proverbial (and literal) butt and give
some answers. Regarding the 1999 NBA Draft,
Tanaka writes "Who do you think is nominated
though Bulls has the draft the 1st prize
nomination right in 99? Give me an answer if it
is good. I think that it is around Richard
Hamilton where university of conneticut is
high." A good question and a fair
observation. Obviously I took this as a mandate
to offer my opinions on the big day. So here it
is:
The Poultry
in Motion 1999 Mock NBA Draft:
The Lottery
Picks:
Chicago
Bulls
Needs: The Bulls
are in a re-building period though obviously
Jerry Krause and company want to get back to the
top as soon as possible. The Bulls have Kukoc at
Small Forward but need help everywhere else. Look
for them to build with size and take the best big
man available. Projected Pick: Andre the Giant.
Vancouver
Grizzlies
Needs: The Griz
are young. Too young. Rather than burn another
lottery pick on another underdeveloped talent,
they will need a veteran, a clubhouse leader,
someone who has been to the top and can keep the
youngsters in line. Projected Pick: Senator
Arlen Specter.
Charlotte
Hornets
Needs: Charlotte
is a team on the upswing behind the talents of
Eddie Jones, Elden Campbell, and underrated guard
David Wesley. Look for them to add some size in
the middle allowing them to move Elden Campbell
to power forward and trade Derrick Coleman. Projected
Pick: Character actor John Lithgow.
L.A.
Clippers
Needs: The lowly
Clips are hurting everywhere except center where
Michael Olowakandi is showing signs of living up
to his potential. Look for them to add a young
point guard. Projected Pick: feisty Joyce
DeWitt of TV’s Three’s Company.
Toronto
Raptors
Needs: The
Raptors would love to add a point guard but with
DeWitt already gone, they may have to find a
successor to Charles Oakley at power forward. Projected
Pick: Libyan strongman Moammar Qaddafi.
Minnesota
Timberwolves
Needs: The
T’Wolves are strong but Garnett and Joe
Smith are pencil thin and easily pushed around.
They need veteran muscle to bolster their young
front line. Projected Pick: The Defensive Line
of the ’75 Steelers.
Washington
Wizards
Needs: The
Wizards have long had the talent but lacked the
ability to put it all together. Juwan Howard is
there to stay but the team will try to move Mitch
Richmond. They will draft a young shooter to take
his place. Projected Pick: The creepy checker
down at Safeway. You know, the guy with the
teeth.
Cleveland
Cavaliers
Needs: The Cavs
recently fired "crawlball" proponent
Mike Fratello and will try to implement an
up-tempo style. They need to get young and fast
in a hurry. Projected Pick: A Pack of Cheetah
Cubs.
Phoenix
Suns
Needs: With
Jason Kidd in the backcourt and Tom Gugliotta and
Luc Longley up front, the Suns are in good shape.
But Danny Ainge’s club needs a consistent
outside shooter with a defensive presence like
Ainge himself had as a player. Projected Pick:
Chuck "Walker, Texas Ranger" Norris.
Golden
State Warriors
Needs: The
Warriors are desperate for a point guard so they
can avoid a season of Bimbo Coles and Muggsy
Bogues. The nucleus of a strong young team is
there but they need someone to feed Antawn
Jamison. Projected Pick: Antawn Jamison’s
Mom.
Cleveland
Cavaliers
Needs: With the
up-tempo style already established by their #9
pick, the Cavs will choose to go for size here at
#11. Shawn Kemp can’t be expected to carry
all the load in the low post. Projected Pick:
A Really Nice Ladder, The Kind Cheetah Cubs Can
Climb.
Toronto
Raptors
Needs: Having
never found a real replacement for Damon
Stoudamire, Toronto will look to pick up a point
guard of the future here. Someone who can be
molded into a star of tomorrow. Projected
Pick: That Kid From Jerry Maguire.
Seattle
SuperSonics
Needs: The
Sonics would love to find a point guard that
would allow Gary Payton to move to the two-spot
after the inevitable Hersey Hawkins trade. While
the ranks are depleted somewhat, it’s a good
year for guards. Projected Pick: Jamie Farr.
The Rest of
the First Round:
Minnesota
Timberwolves- A Dozen Eggs
New
York Knicks- Judd Hirsch
Chicago
Bulls- Mark Arm of Mudhoney
Atlanta
Hawks- A Smart Dog (one that
fetches)
Denver
Nuggets- Some Tacos.
Utah
Jazz- Some tall slow white idiot
who can’t shoot. The kind they always
draft. Freakin’ Utah.
Atlanta
Hawks- Sacco
Atlanta
Hawks- Vanzetti
Houston
Rockets- The guy who played Jerry
the Dentist on the Bob Newhart Show.
L.A.
Lakers- The Moody Blues
Utah
Jazz- Another stupid-ass bastard
who gets drafted by freakin’ Utah
because he’s freakin’ white. Stupid
bastard Utah morons.
Miami
Heat- Humidity (imagine the double
threat!)
Indiana
Pacers- Me. Finally.
Atlanta
Hawks – Anna Kournikova
(because come on, wouldn’t you?)
Utah
Jazz- Stupid gosh darn... Rrrr!
Man, I hate Utah!
San
Antonio Spurs- A bunch of
hand-puppets made to look like Tim Duncan who
can still kick ass all over the Knicks.
That’s all!
Enjoy the draft!
The Poultry
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